All the ways we communicate and love one another, form habits. These habits, or patterns, really create a couple’s unique identity. We often call this the orbit two people have built together.
Think of it like a planetary orbit, complete with gravity, predictable movements through time and space and the confidence the pattern won’t change. In other words, your marriage, your relationship with your lover, has it’s own style, uniqueness and predictability.
In fact, the orbit is so predictable, that it’s not easily changed at all. For sure, we all need predictability. We wouldn’t want a planetary orbit that changed on us – we would surely die if the sun and moon shifted around too much, or even at all. But what if you wanted to change the way you relate with your mate? You would have to change the habits and patterns that make up your unique identity – your orbit. Not easily done!
Let’s ask some simple questions:
- What characterizes your orbit? What are the strengths you share together and what are some of the challenges?
- What would you want to change to experience greater love, passion and connection?
- How would you describe the way you communicate with one another? Are you kind, supportive and empathic or does your orbit have a lot of dissention and noise? We call this a conflicted orbit – patterns with a lot of arguing.
- Do you know each other deeply? Do you share enough to feel included in your partner’s life? Do you feel known? Are you willing to open up and be known?
- Do you value the uniqueness of your partner and show appreciation for their individuality?
- Do you share a passion for one another, reflected in your intimate life and the way you spend time together out of the bedroom?
These are only a few of the questions that help you understand and define the orbit, the patterns, you share as lovers – and hopefully, best friends.
Take some time to sit together and review the questions above. Be sincere and honest about all the ways you relate, the ways you reach out to one another and the kind of identity you have as lovers, couples in love and marriage partners. Talk frankly about how you can love each other more, build greater passion and be a true friend as you go through this journey together. Change your orbit if you need to. It takes courage and persistence, but learning to love more and sustain love, is worth all the effort it takes.