Some say that “marriage” itself can compromise and even ruin your sex life. Two lovers marry and settle into routines, they have children, they face work at building their life financially and pretty soon their sex life suffers. But does it have too? Do the demands of marriage mean that sex and passion will eventually take a back seat?
Let’s take a closer look – the how to of keeping passion and erotic excitement alive – during the years you have together with your partner or mate.
- First, it requires mutual effort to keep passion alive. Both partners have to commit to prioritizing their erotic life. Unlike dating, or in the first years of marriage, it doesn’t just happen and doesn’t happen as naturally without planning and effort. Planning doesn’t have to kill passion – you create passion out of the bedroom but also “once you’re there.”
- Passion is an energy you bring in. So finding your passion mojo, your erotic self so to speak, is essential. You were once more alive sexually so reinvigorate those memories connected to your desire for physical contact. You ability to connect to want for sex is essential for love and passion to flourish.
- Both have to continue to treat each other like lovers, like you really “dig” each other. Flirting, for example, and having fun together and being playful are key ingredients that keep a vibrant energy alive.
- Both have to stay interesting as persons. If you become boring outside the bedroom, you won’t make up for it between the sheets. What makes you interesting is your individuality. Let your uniqueness be known. Cultivate it through self-awareness, taking care of your mind and body and remembering to show others what makes you special.
- The whole marriage counts. Working at deep connection in general makes passion possible – for it flows out of trust and warmth. So what you do in the kitchen, pays off in the bedroom. A well-connected bond between two lovers allows for the safety and trust to spill over into your sexual side.
- You have to talk about what you want and need in warm and compassionate ways. Have enlivened conversations about what feels good and what brings erotic excitement for you in the bedroom.
- Finally, seek professional help if needed. Sex therapy, from a certified sex therapist (see AASECT for information on certification and what to look for: https://www.aasect.org/), can truly help assist you to make real changes in the bedroom.
None of this is necessarily “rocket science.” But these represent essential ingredients to cultivating and sustaining a powerful, passionate and erotic sex life. Great sex takes practice and attention to those themes in your life that help you create and sustain excitement – in and out of the bedroom – make being naked together fun and sexy and sustainable.